Oh Yeah, I'm a Bookish-Type
I never really forgot this about myself, I've just spent a long time searching for a way back.
Tangible media makes my heart sing. Drawing on paper, listening to vinyl, and (finally after quite awhile), losing myself in a good book all get my mind going in more positive directions. Typing on my phone or the computer is actually one of the hardest parts of blogging for me T.T
This year like many other people I have taken social media out of my life almost entirely. While money is tight and I haven't been able to switch fully to analog music, I renewed my library card last week! I've been reading physical books more in the last month or two than I have in the last several years.
As is my way, I began to wonder how and why I ever stopped reading like I did as a kid. Being a bookworm bordered on a personality trait of mine. I even volunteered at the library, which felt like my summer home, haha.
There are several reasons I stopped that were obvious to me:
- College happened, and leisure reading flew right out the window
- Doomscrolling sapped me of the energy I should've been using on books
- The overall short attention span epidemic
- Not visiting the library as often (because I lost a library book and anxiety spiraled and didn't go back for years, oopsie. The fine was literally 14 dollars)
There was something else I hadn't considered, or simply didn't know about.
When I brought up to my therapist that I had been reading more, she was very affirming. She told me that many people who are stuck in fight or flight, as I have been for most of my adult life, struggle to read for fun. When your system is in survival mode, it can be all too easy for your body to deem reading non-essential.
This really struck a chord with me, which is why I wanted to write a blog post about it.
It's not like I had been avoiding reading altogether for the last several years; I would just often find myself either too restless to settle in or become so relaxed I fell asleep. Instead of connecting in my brain I was genuinely too stressed for leisure, I would get down on myself. Maybe because of the whole survival mode thing I was afraid that there was danger finding comfort in the form of escapism. . .
. . .so I would get stuck doomscrolling instead -.-
On social media I would see things like booktok and feel envious. How was it so easy for others? I wanted to read, and it felt like I just couldn't. Now I'm able to see that in some ways that was very much the case.
Before I'd fully found my way back to reading, I did have one great outlet: audiobooks. While working several jobs at the same time, often on third shift bleeding into first, I began listening to one of my favorite series through Libby for free thanks to my local library. I listened to a classic or two I'd struggled to read without snoozing, but I mostly listened to one of my favorite series of all time.1 There are genuinely close to if not over 100 books in the series, so that alone sustained me for months.
Sadly, I almost stole this outlet from myself with negative framing. Even though I was enjoying them immensely, my anxious brain kept telling me it wasn't ~the same~ and ~didn't count~ in some way. Apparently, this is a common belief that with a bit of research I was able to realize is simply not true. Audiobooks are actually more immersive for many people, as reading from a page while simultaneously imagining a scene is a struggle for many. Audiobooks takes that part of the equation out.
So, I guess this is all to say if you find yourself wanting to read but seemingly unable, fret not. Try an audiobook (or a graphic novel!), return to a series you love, or just go hang out at your local library and see what happens.
Most importantly though, have some compassion for yourself. Being literate =/= being able to sit and read for hours. It's a skill you have to train yourself back into! And if you've never found yourself to be particularly bookish but want to incorporate more physical media into your life, be patient if it's difficult at first :)
Previous ･: ❀ : ･
It's Warrior Cats, lol. MacLeod Andrews was an incredible introduction into the world of audiobooks, his voice acting is amazing.↩