Ripping off the Blogging Band-Aid
It's been just over a month since I last blogged, and what a month it has been.
I've learned a lot about myself over the past few weeks. Towards the beginning of the year, I started taking Lexapro after a lifetime of raw-dogging my many overlapping mental health issues. I've already written about the first week and had intended to keep that pace, writing about the experience as it changed over time.
Weeks two through six changed so little they seemed to all flow together. The entire period was a mixture of naps, apathy (napathy?) and consequently me asking myself what the point of anything was.
I had a hard time staying awake, let alone blogging.
For the first week or two when the "what's the point" thoughts crept in I would mostly just roll over and go back to bed. Since starting Lexapro (and honestly for most of my life) I've been struggling with insomnia. In the past I've just gotten by with very little sleep. In the last month I've slept more than I typically would in the span of three or four.
In the last week, though, it seems that things are taking a more positive turn. I've felt more able to actually answer some of those questions about the point of things, including blogging and writing in general.
My first blog post covered a similar topic at length. It seems nearly everyone has at some point written a similar post on their "why" as well. What I began to realize after some introspection though is that is actually part of the point.
What it boils down to for me is a combination of things:
- Blogging gives me a way to witness my own personal evolution. I could write about the same thing every single week, and still learn a lot about myself by how my answers have changed.
- What I choose to blog about and how I choose to write about it helps illuminate what is truly important to me in the first place
- Writing, in general, is a great processing tool. I already journal almost every day. Many of the things I journal about/ways in which I speak about them I would never post on the internet. That's all 100% emotional processing; journaling is where my Thoughts for my Therapist reveal themselves. Blogging gives me an outlet to toe the line between being vulnerable and analytical, which I struggle with as a person.
- We are all mirrors. Wherever I fall on that vulnerable to analytical tightrope my hope is that someone out there can see a bit of themselves in what I write and feel less alone. Idk, maybe that's the teacher in me.
- Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't add that getting to see a body of work I've produced build up fills me with pride. I used to think that was an egotistical reason to write (although I was largely only extending that line of thought to myself). I don't anymore; taking pride in your work is important, especially when it's work you choose.
As the SSRI has begun to actually improve my mood a big realization hit me: it's difficult to do something like writing for yourself when you don't actually like yourself.
When I first started blogging many of my pieces had a very polished feel and would take me over a week to complete. While there are many reasons I don't think I'll ever be a daily blogger, moving forward I want to focus less on having some sort of polished "bright side" by the end of a post and more on capturing who and where I am as a person in a moment in time, knowing that moment will eventually fade.
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