Self-compassion by proxy
A few days ago I heard someone talking about how to know if a therapist is the right fit; someone can be objectively good at their job and still not be right for you. Essentially her advice broke down to this: the best thing a therapist can be is a mirror, so they can help you see things you are unable or unwilling to recognize otherwise.
That really resonated with me, because I see the exact same thing happen in the classroom. Teaching is such a gift and challenge in part because all of us are holding up mirrors. As someone early in my career–especially as an after school mentor who doesn’t get to see the kids often–I’m still deciding how deep to dig on personal matters with students. Students share things either by accident or on purpose. I try to validate them and handle heavy feelings with tact, but keeping my empathy in check is already a daily struggle in the role.
For me when I relate deeply with a child it becomes more and more difficult to decide how to deal with “behavioral issues”. Not only is it almost too easy to see how the issues we are seeing in the classroom are directly related to circumstances outside of the students control, it’s much too easy for my own emotions to heighten as projection creeps in. . .
While this does stress me out at times, if leveraged correctly I think it’s one of the most powerful parts of the job. And I don’t mean just for the kids; it has a huge healing effect on me as well, and I’m sure many teachers (and I would suspect parents, which are in themselves a whole other type of teacher).
I’ve been in therapy a few times now, and one of the issues I come up against over and over again is being too harsh a self-critic. In many ways, this tendency helped keep me alive -- or, at least, it did in my childhood. Now they’re what the pros would call a Maladaptive Coping Strategy, and those are tough to unlearn.
This is where the students give me a particular strength. One could say I often relate to the students who are having “behavioral issues”, but I never feel negatively towards them the way I have about myself for so long. Quite the opposite; understanding comes naturally, and it’s taught me a sort of self-compassion by proxy.
There’s only so much you can say to a young teen struggling to find their place in the world. It’s a highly individual experience, and the sort of thing everyone fights their way through. Discomfort is a natural part of it you can’t save them from.
Often, the most I can do is listen earnestly and tell a kid I know exactly how they’re feeling. I’m a mirror to them, too. If they see we’ve been through the same struggles and I’m okay now, that can help give them the courage to press on. I’m not okay every day, but I still show up and try, and I think that's a healthy reality for them to embrace as well.
Most importantly this self-compassion by proxy has taught me to stop tearing myself down, both in front of the students and in private. Even in subtle ways I didn't acknowledge at first.
Fully loving and accepting myself may feel challenging right now, but the least I can do is stop shattering the mirror.